


The Hardest Part

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alien Abduction, Alien Interference, Alien Parasite, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Family, Kid Fic, Kirk is in love, Kolinahr, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mpreg, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Romance, Spock is a fool, Twins, Undying Love, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unrequited Love, Vulcans, bones is the best, health scare, love child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-04-16 07:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 18,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4616688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Spock leaves Kirk to go to New Vulcan after the five-year mission, Kirk discovers he is pregnant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Lo más difícil](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8501125) by [chicaclamp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicaclamp/pseuds/chicaclamp)



The hardest thing he’d ever had to do was watch Spock walk away from him. From them. Oh, he’d done a lot of hard things over the years. Faced seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Said goodbye to friends he never should have had to. Watched the angel of death squeeze the life out of him until almost no-return. None of that had been comparable.

When Admiral Hough had let it slip during a status conference that Spock had handed in his resignation pending the end of their five-year mission, he’d felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach by a horse. When he had confronted the Vulcan himself and not only got confirmation that it was true, but found out Spock had deliberately kept it from him, had not discussed it with him, well then the horse had kicked him in the chest.

As the mission reached its conclusion he hadn’t even tried to talk Spock out of it. Why should he?

Their last night together Spock had made love to him with more passion than they’d shared in months. His kisses had been demanding, desperate and filled with quiet despair. Neither of them had spoken. What would have been the point?

Spock had not lingered after like he had before and he hadn’t bothered to stop Spock from leaving. It was over. Done between them. As though it hadn’t started.

He didn’t tell Spock he loved him…yet again. He’d told him before. And it had done nothing to convince Spock to stay.

Hough had said Spock indicated a desire to settle on New Vulcan. He hadn’t asked Spock himself. It wasn’t his business. Spock had made that clear.

“You want to go get a drink, Jim?” Bones asked, his hand on Jim’s shoulder. It was like a great weight of doom there.

He would not cry. Would not.

He glanced at Bones. “Yeah, let’s go.”

He turned from the sight of Spock getting onto a shuttle. That was life. And he was used to being abandoned by all he loved. Except Bones.

But maybe that would happen one day too.

“What do you want?” Bones asked as they slid into a booth in the back of a dark bar.

“Something hard and bitter.”

“Jim—”

He shook his head. His throat was raw, painful. “Just-let it go.”

“Can you?”

“I’ll have to.” He stared at the drink menu that was on the table. “What’s non-alcoholic?”

Bones stabbed his finger at some fruity, creamy concoction. “You can have that one.”

He smiled a little. “Swell.”

“You didn’t tell him, did you?”

“No. Why should I have?”

“Because he might have stayed,” Bones pointed out.

“He’d only be staying because of that. And not me. I won’t. No. I’ll be fine.”

“I think I hate him right now.”

“I wish I could.”

Bones sighed. “You still love him?”

“Yeah.” He closed his eyes. But all he saw was Spock’s face. “I think I always will.”

They ordered their drinks and when they received them, he just sort of stared into his.

“Think he loved you?”

“Once, maybe. I don’t know. I felt it, even our last night, I felt it. But it wasn’t enough. Not for him.”

Bones shook his head and took a swallow of his whiskey. “Think he’ll really do that Kolinahr thing?”

“I guess. That’s what he wanted, according to Hough anyway. To live his life in logical solitude like a damn Vulcan monk or whatever.”

He rested his hand on his stomach. It was weird. Wasn’t it? He wasn’t even sure if Spock would have believed him even if he had told him. He’d never told Spock about what happened to him in captivity when they’d implanted the womb in him. Hadn’t really thought it would do anything. Jim didn’t have eggs, well, that he knew of, anyway. Those had been a fucked up race of aliens. They’d done a number of experiments on him he’d rather just forget. Things had changed between them after that captivity. He'd had to acknowledge that.

“What do you suppose it is?” Bones asked, interrupting his thoughts.

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out when I have my first full exam.”

“Will it have pointy ears?”

He smiled. “I’m kind of hoping it does.”

“Well, whatever it is, the baby will have a great daddy and a most excellent Uncle Leonard,” Bones declared.

He laughed. “No doubt about that, Bones. No doubt about that.”


	2. Birth

“These kids need to come out.” Jim sort of slid onto the couch in the San Francisco apartment he’d shared with Bones for the last almost seven months.

Bones came out of the kitchen looking frazzled. There was flour in his hair and butter smudged on his left cheek. “Are you sure you have to have Levarian Cake?”

“Well. I don’t have to. But it was really good.” Jim smiled. “Don’t you remember, Bones? You ate as many pieces as I did.”

“And had a stomachache for days. Yeah. But I don’t know, Jim, this recipe I got online doesn’t seem right.”

Jim wiggled on the seat until he got to the edge and then shoved himself up by bracing his hand on the arm of the couch. “I’ll help. Oh!”

“Kicking again?”

“Yeah, damn. One of them has a hell of a foot on them. Bet it’s the girl. I’m always getting walloped by girls.” Jim laughed. Maybe a little hysterically because he was still getting used to the idea he was having not one but two babies. Damn Spock anyway. Vulcan sperm was powerful.

He made his way into the kitchen after Bones. Jim stared down at the recipe on Bones’ PADD. “Did you use the Levarian flour?”

“You do realize we’re on Earth where they don’t sell Levarian flour, right?” Bones picked up the bowl he’d been mixing the batter in. “I had to substitute ordinary flour. Earthling flour.”

“Don’t you think if I’d known I would be pregnant out to here and want Levarian Cake when I was on Levaria I would have bought some?” Jim shook his head. “Oh, well. I think it will be fine. How many bananas did you add?”

“Well, the recipe said if you’re using Earth bananas to only add three, but we had four so I added all four of them.”

“Changing the recipe, Bones?”

“I’m a doctor not a baker, Jim.”

Jim smiled and peered into the bowl. “I say slap it in a pan and stick it in the oven. We’re not going to know until we bake it.” He gripped the counter when a wave of intense pain hit him. “Okay, that hurt.”

Bones blinked. “Shit, Jim. You’re in labor, aren’t you?”

“What? You think?”

“It’s about the right time. We’d better get you to the hospital for your C-Section unless you want to force out two Vulcan babies out of your penis.”

“Part Vulcan. They’re mostly human.”

“You can argue semantics later, blue eyes. Let’s go.”

When they made it to the hospital—and they’d chosen an apartment very close by—a nurse took Jim’s information. If she found Jim having babies odd, she was professional enough not to mention it. Though Jim figured they had his records by now there.

She glanced at Bones. “Is this the father?”

“Um. No,” Jim replied, shaking his head.

“Where is the father then?”

“Probably meditating.”

“Excuse me?”

Jim smiled. “He’s not involved.”

She sniffed and pressed the PADD. “I see.” She glanced at Bones again. “Grandfather?”

“What?” Bones sputtered.

Jim burst out laughing, then was sorry he did when a wave of pain hit him. “No. Their uncle. Uncle Leonard.”

“I’m not that old, am I?” Bones asked when they took Jim into a delivery room.

“You’re not that old.” After they got Jim situated, he reached for Bones’ hand. “Listen, I’m going to be out of it, so you need to make sure the doctor takes out the womb after the babies.”

“Are you sure, Jim? Because what if you decide you want more?”

“I won’t. Geez, these ones were unexpected as it is.”

“But if you meet someone—”

“She can have the babies.”

“What if it’s another guy?”

Jim shook his head. “I mean it, Bones. He’s supposed to take it but just make sure. I should have had it taken out after you discovered it after my abduction.”

“Well then you wouldn’t be having these two cuties.”

“I know. And I’m glad. But I’m good with these two.”

“Okay, Jim. Gotcha.”

****

Jim was sitting up holding his babies in each arm. It was a little awkward, but he figured he needed to get used to it. He was still a little groggy but he didn’t feel much pain thanks to what they’d given him.

“They’re gorgeous, aren’t they, Bones?”

“They sure are.” Bones was smiling broadly down at them from the side of the bed. “Still the same names you thought of you?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, Amanda for the girl. Christopher for the boy.” Amanda was for Spock’s mom, of course, and Christopher was after Pike. Who’d been like a father to Jim. He still missed him.

“And both of them with pointy ears.” Bones reached over and touched Amanda’s pointed ear. “I have to admit, it’s kind of cute. On babies anyway.”

For a moment, Jim gave into the sadness as he stared at them.

“Jim?”

“Just thinking I wish he was here, you know? He’s missing out on them. And they’re beautiful.”

“They are. You can still change your mind and let him know, Jim.”

“No. He chose the life he wanted, Bones. I’m not going to tie him down to the three of us.” He smiled at his son and daughter. “We’re a family now.”


	3. Sleep

“Bones, could you get me some tea or something?” Jim yawned. “Maybe coffee. God, I can’t stop yawning.”

Leonard, who had just finished feeding little Christopher and had put him in his little basinet for the time being, smiled as Jim still held a bottle to Amanda’s mouth. She sucked happily on it.

“I can see that you can’t stop. But I think tea it is. You need your rest.”

“Yes, doc.”

Leonard went into the kitchen to make the tea. They’d taken the babies home only a week ago but they were settling into a routine of sorts. Truth was he’d never expected to become a parent again but that was essentially what he was doing. Not only with Jim’s babies but with Jim. Sure, he had the title of Uncle and he appreciated that title very much because he wasn’t Jim’s brother by blood or anything. But yes…they were brothers.

So yeah, the nurse had called him grandfather and he’d been rightly affronted, but his role wasn’t really that far off from it even if his age was. Someone had to help Jim and be there for him. Obviously the cold-blooded bastard wasn’t going to be there. Leonard had let Jim’s mother and brother know about Jim and the babies, but he hadn’t gotten a response from either of them.

And so it was left to Jim and Leonard. As it usually was. And that was okay. Jim would never have to do it alone as long as Leonard had breath.

He poured the tea and brought two cups of it out. Jim smiled tiredly at him.

“Thanks, Bones.”

“You’re welcome, kid.” He set it next to Jim’s seat.

“You know they want me to teach.”

“Who? What? Where?”

Jim laughed softly. “The admiralty. Command shit, tactical shit. The Academy.”

“When are you going to find the time?”

He shrugged. “People go to work after having babies all the time. And you’ll help too. We can both work. Juggle the babies. They have those things you know where you can carry the baby right there with you.”

“So a professorship for you huh?”

“I can’t go back into space, Bones. Not with them. And they aren’t going to be grown for years.”

Leonard glanced at Christopher in the basinet. “Thank God for that. I like little feet and hands.”

Jim unfurled Amanda’s little hand and she very slightly curled her fist around the tip of his pinky. “Think they look like me or him?”

“The ears are definitely his. But the rest? They both have light hair.”

“That could get darker later.”

“True. And their eyes might change, too.”

Jim nodded. “I’d kind of like them to have Spock’s eyes. I like them. They’re pretty.”

“I think yours are pretty special, Jim.”

“Maybe.” Jim shrugged. “Even still. It’s nice to have things to remember him by, right?”

“Right,” Leonard agreed because he figured it was important to do so.

“Besides, when they’re older I’ll be able to say, well you have your dad’s nose or his eyes or whatever. S’nice.” He yawned again.

Leonard often wondered what someone as fiery and passionate and full of life as Jim could have possibly seen in cold, stoic, boring Spock, but it really was true love was blind. Leonard privately wondered what Kolinahr could do for Spock since he was already dead inside. He’d have to be not to want to be with Jim. But he didn’t tell any of that to Jim. Leonard knew it was best to keep his opinions of the love of Jim’s life to himself. No matter how much he hated the hobgoblin.

Jim pulled out the now empty bottle out of Amanda’s mouth and handed it to Leonard. He lifted her up to pat her back.

“Jim, let me do that. You need sleep. I’ll take care of the babies.”

Jim handed Amanda to Leonard without much protest. “Are you sure?”

“You’ve been up since early morning. You go on and get a few hours of sleep. If I need anything, I’ll wake you.”

Jim hesitated. “I can do this, Bones.”

Leonard smiled. “I know you can. But you don’t have to do it alone. That’s why Uncle Leonard is here. Take your tea with you.”

Jim picked up his tea. “Wake me up in two hours.”

Leonard nodded. He would wait at least three hours before disturbing Jim. He watched Jim go off to his bedroom and Leonard sat down with Amanda, keeping his eye on Christopher at the same time. Cutest damn babies ever. Well, all right. Joanna was pretty cute back when she was a baby. It was a tie between all three.

He stroked her pointed ear. “Stupid Vulcan,” Leonard muttered.


	4. Visitors

“I’m not fat, am I?” Jim asked Bones as he sat down on the bench in the park next to Bones. The babies were in one of those double stroller things.

Bones eyed him critically. “I wouldn’t say fat exactly.”

Jim frowned. “What would you say?”

“Jim, you just had two babies.”

He sighed. “And those are words I never expected to hear. Seriously, why does this stuff always happen to me?”

“Beats me.”

It was a beautiful sunny day. Not too hot, not too cold. No clouds in the sky. No fog to speak of. In other words, a rare day for San Francisco.

He spotted her from a distance and immediately smiled. “Here she comes.”

Bones looked up, shielding the glare from his eyes with his hand.

“Oh my God,” Nyota Uhura declared as she saw the babies. “They are just—oh my God.”

Jim stood as she launched herself into his arms, hugging him tight.

“Captain!”

He laughed. “I’m not your captain anymore.”

She shook her head. “You’ll always be my captain.” She hugged Bones. “Leonard, you look wonderful.”

“It’s good to see you, Nyota,” Bones replied.

“Give me one of those babies.” She bent down and scooped up Amanda, so Jim followed suit and picked up Christopher. They sat side by side on the bench.

“I’m just-just going to go get some coffee,” Bones said. “You two want some?”

Nyota nodded. “Sugar, no cream.”

“Yeah, Bones. Thanks.”

Bones wandered off.

“He didn’t have to leave,” she said softly.

“He probably needs a break. He’s around the babies as much as I am. He’s been fantastic.”

“They’re beyond adorable, Jim. You did a great job.”

He grinned. “I think so.”

She looked at him with a smile. “Still weird, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing? With all of it. I mean…do you-do you think about what happened a lot?”

He shook his head. “I can’t even remember most of it. Flashes of memories, I guess. But nothing significant. I guess I’m lucky that way.”

“I’m glad. I was so worried it would cause you more trauma.” She bounced Amanda a little. “You can ask, you know.”

“Ask what?”

“If I’ve heard from him.”

“That’s all part of another life I no longer live.”

“Well, I haven’t anyway. He turned away from all of us.” She sighed. “I sent him a message once or tried to. But if he ever got it he didn’t bother to reply.”

He ignored the pain in his heart like he always did. Christopher squinched up his face. “You’re not hungry, are you? Again?” He laughed. He glanced at Nyota. “I’m going to teach at the academy.”

“Professor Kirk, huh?”

“Yeah.” He grinned. “Respectability.”

“You need any help, babysitting, whatever, I’m available.”

“When do you go back out?” He ignored the empty ache at not returning to space too. His life was different now, he reminded himself.

“Not for another couple of months. Won’t be the same without you. And Leonard. And—“

He nodded. “Sulu will make a good captain though. He deserves it.”

“I’ve heard they were going to promote you.”

“Yeah they’ve mentioned something about it. I’m not sure I’m going to take it though because it would probably mean more work for me and I don’t want to spend that much time away from the kids.”

He reached into a bag and handed her a bottle. “You want to feed her?”

She smiled brightly. “Can I?”

“Of course.” He took out another one for Christopher.

“I can’t believe he’s missing out on this. I respect your decision not to tell him, Jim, it’s just…he should be here.”

“He should, yeah,” Jim agreed. “But he’s not.”

Bones appeared, carrying a tray with their coffees.

“You’re a life saver, Bones. “ He took a large swallow and sighed in contentment.

Bones sat down. “Listen, I gotta warn you.”

Jim frowned. “Warn me?”

“I ran into someone when I was getting the coffee. And I think he—“

A shadow fell across the bench and Jim looked into the dark eyes of Spock’s father.

Jim kept his face carefully blank, a trick he’d learned from Spock. “Good afternoon, Sarek.”

Sarek stared first at Jim and then the two babies. First at Christopher and then at Amanda.

“These-these children are yours?” Sarek directed the question to Nyota. Not entirely surprising, of course.

“No, Sarek,” she replied rather curtly.

“Then—“He stared more intently at Jim. “They are yours?”

Jim nodded. “That’s right.”

“They have Vulcan blood.”

“Yep.”

“Now, listen—“Bones started to say but fell silent when Sarek glanced briefly at him.

“They are my son’s, are they not?” Sarek asked softly.

Jim wanted to lie, really. He did. “I didn’t know you were in San Francisco,” Jim said instead.

“Just briefly for a conference. When I saw Dr. McCoy and he indicated he was with you, I thought I would come to say hello before I returned to my hotel.” Sarek tilted his head. “You did not answer my question.”

“Spock was the sperm donor, yes,” Jim finally said. “But you are well aware that Spock and I are not together anymore.”

“You did not tell him.”

Jim didn’t even wince at the hint of accusation in Sarek’s tone. “I didn’t. It’s not his business.”

“His children would indeed be his business.”

He shrugged. “We’ll have to disagree on that.”

Sarek stiffened. “What are their names?” he asked after a moment.

“Christopher and Amanda.”

Sarek blinked. “I-I see.”

Jim felt bad for Sarek. He hadn’t asked for this…awkwardness. And they were his grandchildren. But Jim knew there was no way to keep them a secret from Spock now. Sarek would tell his son.

“You want to hold him?” Jim offered.

Sarek looked a little startled but he nodded. “Thank you.” He picked up Christopher and held him very close. “It has been many years since I have held a baby.” He looked at Jim. “They have his ears.”

Jim smiled. “I know.”


	5. Sarek

Jim hadn’t known how to say no to Sarek when he had asked Jim to have dinner with him at his hotel. He’d sent off Amanda and Christopher with Bones and Nyota, who wanted to spend more time with the babies, and walked back to the hotel where Sarek was staying.

Even before his failed relationship with Sarek’s son, Jim hadn’t exactly had the warmest relationship with the Vulcan. They didn’t have any trouble getting along exactly, but Jim always figured Sarek couldn’t help judging him on his ability to be logical and of course Jim always failed in that department.

Plus there was the fact that Jim once overheard Sarek express disappointment with Spock that he had ended his relationship with Nyota Uhura, a woman who could give Spock children, in favor of Jim, who could not. Wasn’t it ironic?

“Would you enjoy a cocktail?” Sarek asked Jim after they’d been seated in a restaurant near Sarek’s hotel that served meat and vegetarian dishes. “It is my treat, of course.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I wish to. I know that humans enjoy the taste of alcohol so if you wish to imbibe I will take no offense.”

Honestly having dinner with Sarek would make anyone want to have a drink, Jim thought. He forced a smile. “Yeah, maybe a glass of wine.”

“Whatever you wish.”

The waiter came by and Jim ordered red wine while Sarek had hot tea. Of course.

After they ordered their meals, Sarek took a sip of his tea. “It is not my intention to be indelicate, James, however, I cannot help but be puzzled as to how you, a male, managed to have the twins with Spock. Was there a surrogate?”

“No.” Jim took a fortifying drink of his wine. “I was abducted for a number of weeks. I don’t remember a lot of it, thankfully, but when I was rescued, during an examination it was discovered they’d done…certain experiments on me. Including adding a womb.” He winced at the memory of Bones telling him that.

Sarek just barely stopped himself from blinking rapidly. “I see. Spock did not inform me of this.”

Jim lifted his wine glass to his lips. “I didn’t tell him.”

“You did not?”

“It was…a strange time for both of us. And honestly I didn’t think I could ever get pregnant.”

“I imagine not. And when you learned of it, you did not inform Spock.”

“I already knew he was planning on going to New Vulcan. I wasn’t going to keep him with me by telling him.” He sighed. “I know you don’t approve.”

“I would rather you had informed Spock, yes. Under the circumstances, I cannot entirely fault your choice, however, I wish that you had chosen differently.”

“You’ll tell him, won’t you?”

Sarek nodded. “I cannot keep something like that from him. I do apologize for having to disrupt the life you are living.”

The waiter arrived with their food.

“How is he?” Jim asked. Finally. It had been on his mind.

“I do not see him very often myself,” Sarek admitted. “He spends much of his time in meditation and preparation for Kolinahr.”

Jim let out the breath he was holding. “So he really is doing that.”

“Yes. You did not know?”

“Admiral Hough told me that is what Spock planned to do when he resigned his commission. Spock didn’t really discuss it with me. He just told me he was going to New Vulcan and didn’t want to be part of Starfleet any longer.”

“Spock has been considering the purging of emotions since he was young. You should not think it had any reflection on you.”

“Right.” Jim smiled sardonically. “It had everything to do with me. But it’s okay. I’ve moved on.”

Sarek studied him. “Have you?”

“I’m used to abandonment, Sarek. I’ve had to become that way. Spock’s just in a long line.”

****

“So, how awkward was it?” Bones asked Jim the minute he entered the apartment.

Jim snatched Amanda out of Bones’ arms. “How’s my girl? About as bad as you would imagine.”

“Tea or something, Jim?”

“Yeah, thanks, Bones. Make it iced, though.”

He sat down next to Nyota who was holding Christopher. He smiled at her. “You must be ready to go home.”

“I’ve loved being here,” she said. “I’m sorry, Jim.”

“What’s done is done.”

“I hate him now.” Her lips thinned.

“Don’t. I don’t hate him. I can’t. I’ll never hate him.”

She smiled, her eyes glistening. “And that makes me hate him more. He hurt you.”

“Ny,” he whispered.

“I know.” Her bottom lip trembled. “Still hate him.”

Jim touched her cheek. “It’s okay. I’m a big boy.”

“Yeah, all right.” She smiled down at Christopher. “You two did make beautiful children.”

Jim grinned at his princess. “We sure did.”

Now he had to brace himself for Spock’s arrival. He hoped he was ready.  


	6. Spock's Children

Spock had not expected the door to be opened by Nyota. In fact, it was ten point three seconds before he could form words.

“Lieutenant.”

“It’s commander now,” she said coolly. She held the door to the apartment wide allowing Spock to enter.

“Where is he?”

“He’ll be out in a minute.”

Spock glanced around at the large apartment. It did not have any personal touches of either Jim or Leonard McCoy that he could ascertain. It was sterile and not particularly welcoming. While it had been Spock’s experience that Jim was not one for clutter, he had expected some indication that his former captain occupied the space here. There was none.

“I did not anticipate your presence.”

“Jim is my friend. I’ve been helping him when I can.” She shrugged.

“You were aware of the existence of the children?” That somehow seemed a betrayal that Nyota would keep important information from him. It was not at all what he would have anticipated from her.

“I knew, yes.” She pursed her lips. “I knew when he was pregnant.”

“And yet you did not think I would find the information pertinent?”

“To be honest, at first, I believed he should have told you. But with that belief I also thought it was up to him to do so and not me. After?” She shook her head. “When you left to go to New Vulcan for Kolinahr, I thought perhaps it was best that you did not know.”

“Kolinahr or not, I would want to know the existence of my offspring.”

“Look, Spock---”

“Ny, it’s okay, I’ve got this.” Jim had appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. He had made no noise prior to speaking.

Spock felt off-kilter.

Jim smiled in her direction. “Can you leave us alone?”

She nodded. “I’ll be in there, if you need me.” She gestured with a shrug of her shoulder and then disappeared down a short hallway. Spock heard a door close.

Jim wore jeans and a T-shirt, which also made Spock feel slightly off-kilter, having become accustomed to Jim in his captain's uniform. He’d been letting his hair grow a little longer than was regulation and there were dark smudges under his eyes, as well as a day or two’s growth on his jaw. He was still the most attractive human Spock had ever seen.

“Did you want to sit?” Jim gestured to the small dining room table.

What Spock wanted was to see his children, but he took the offered chair nevertheless. “Where are they?” he asked, just shy of a demand, when Jim seated himself across from Spock.

“In one of the rooms with Bones and Nyota. I’ll bring them out shortly.”

“You are with Dr. McCoy?” Not that it would matter if Jim were. Jim’s relationships were his own business. All that mattered is how it affected Spock’s children.

But Jim did not answer, and instead said, “I am sure you have a lot of questions.”

“Indeed. The first being why you never told me you were carrying my child or, as the case turned out to be, children.”

“I admit I should have mentioned it.”

“Mentioned it?” He tried to keep the steel out of his tone—it was not his intention to come into this adversarial—however he suspected by Jim’s slight frown he had failed.

“You made it fairly clear you wanted no part of me. No part of us.”

“You cannot pretend that you believed I would not wish to know of your pregnancy.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know what I thought. I wasn’t…I had my doubts whether you were even their father until they were born.”

Spock kept his mask in place. “You were unfaithful?”

“Not intentionally. But I couldn’t be sure those that implanted the womb didn’t implant the child,” Jim said softly. “I didn’t share those doubts with anyone. Not even Bones. I wanted them to be yours. I would have willed it if I could have. It wasn’t until the twins were born that I knew for sure they were truly yours. And then—”

“You deliberately kept them a secret from me.”

“Yeah, I did.” Jim sighed. “That was wrong of me. But I was—I didn’t know what I was doing about anything. You wanted a different path that didn’t include me and I decided you probably didn’t want it to include them either.”

“You made that choice for me without even discussing it with me.”

“Yeah.”

“Had my father not discovered their existence, you would never have told me.”

Jim winced and looked away. “Perhaps not. I don’t really know. I can’t predict the future. But you know about them now.” He licked his lips and stood. “Do you want to see them?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

Jim walked away, down the short hallway, and Spock forced his fists to unclench. His heart rate had increased the minute he’d set sight on Jim again, and now that he was going to meet his children, the pace had increased more.

Jim reappeared with a double stroller, which carried the babies. Both were mostly bald, Spock noted, with just a smattering of dark hair on the crown and back of their heads. Their eyes were dark like Spock’s own. Their eyebrows were human, but their ears were definitely pointed like his.  

“This is Amanda,” Jim said softly, gesturing to the baby dressed in a sunny yellow dress. “And this is Christopher.” The boy wore tiny jeans and a blue checkered shirt.

Spock noticed the babies were staring very intently at Jim, hardly noticing Spock’s presence at all. He noticed both the doctor and Nyota had come out of the room. McCoy leaned against a wall, arms folded in front of him, hostility barely contained.

Jim leaned down and scooped up Amanda and then turned to Spock. “Here’s your daughter,” Jim said softly.

Spock was not shaking, of course, when he lifted his small daughter in his arms. He rubbed his thumb on the point of her left ear.

“I’m just gonna—” Jim stepped back and around the stroller. “I’m going to give you some privacy.”

Spock looked up at met those familiar blue eyes but they were shuttered, expressionless, almost cold. They no doubt reflected his own. Jim nodded and walked away. A moment later Spock heard the apartment door close as he once more looked down at his daughter.


	7. What Happened?

“Are we hiding?”

Jim looked up from the park bench he was sitting on when Bones approached. It was the same one he’d been sitting on when Sarek had approached a few days back.

“Nah. I figured he didn’t need me there while he met them.”

Bones sat next to him. “Sell me a new story because I ain’t buying that one.”

Jim sighed. “It’s hard, all right?” He lowered his voice. “It’s hard.”

“I know it is. You’re holding up pretty good, considering. Part of me expected you to fall to your knees clutching his pant leg pleading him to take you back or something.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “You did not.”

Bones smiled. “No. I’m glad you aren’t going to do that. He doesn’t deserve it.”

“We both made mistakes. I should have told him about the babies.”

“You were guarding your heart.”

“Look where that got me. Guess I have to figure something out.”

“Something?”

Jim picked at the hem of his T-shirt. “Custody. At least while they’re young like this we don’t have to worry about school or whatever. But he lives on New Vulcan and I live here. I don’t know. Maybe he gets them six months and I get them six months.”

Bones stared at him for a long time. “That gonna work for you?”

“No. But what else can I do? He has a right to see them.” Jim nudged Bones’ shoulder. “You of all people should think that. What did your ex keeping Joanna away from you feel like?”

“Like shit,” Bones admitted.

“Yeah. I can’t do that to Spock. He may not love me, but I love him. I forgot that for a while.”

Bones squeezed his leg. “You didn’t forget. He just made it hard for you.”

“Maybe. Anyway, I’m not going to fight him. Not about getting to see the kids anyway. Taking them away altogether? That’s something else.”

“Even Spock wouldn’t be that much of a dick.”

Jim nodded. “Hope not. I don’t want to fight him.”

Bones turned on the bench a little to face Jim. “You never did tell me exactly what happened between you two. I know you don’t like to talk about it.”

“It all seems so long ago now, Bones. When I came back from my captivity it was different. Before that we talked about bonding. You know the Vulcan thing?”

“Yeah.”

“I wasn’t so sure about it. I admit that. I’ve had people fuck with my mind before.” Jim shook his head. “He knew I had doubts about it. I thought we were working through it.”

“And then?”

“I came back from captivity. I admitted I had even more doubts about it because I wasn’t even sure what all they’d done to me. Messed with my brain. I didn’t want it to taint him. I still don’t know what all they did, Bones. I mean, yeah, I’ve been examined but sometimes I just…I don’t feel right.”

Bones frowned. “You didn’t tell me that. Why not?”

“I don’t want you or anyone else freaking out. It was then that Spock started shutting down on me. We still had sex. Obviously. But we didn’t really spend any time together otherwise and he stopped mentioning bonding altogether. Next thing I knew the Admiralty was telling me he was resigning and going to New Vulcan. It was like somebody kicked me right in the chest, Bones.”

“God knows I’ll never quite understand your fascination for the hobgoblin, but I don’t know, Jim, maybe you should talk to him about all this.”

“It’s too late. There’s too much pain. I doubt he’ll eve forgive me for keeping the babies from him and I don’t know that I can forgive him for just…giving up on me.” Jim stood. “I don’t do romance. I never did. And I remember why. It never works for me. Are you coming back with me?”

Bones nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Hopefully he hasn’t absconded with them and Uhura.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “You think he did?”

“A joke, Jim. Just a joke.”

“Well. They’d better still be there.” He quickened his pace with Bones trailing behind.


	8. An Arrangement

The apartment door opened and Spock was not at all surprised to see Jim walk in followed by his ever present companion, Dr. McCoy. It was illogical to feel jealousy still and yet Spock did.

He was holding his son, Christopher, in his arms. He had previously spent a lot of time holding Amanda but when she fell asleep, Spock had placed her in the basinet while he picked up the boy.

He had never imagined he would have a child, let alone two. He’d been led to believe he could possibly be sterile. During his relatively brief time with Nyota he had not even thought about it. Once he had chosen to be with Jim, that possibility had completely gone away. And yet…

He was holding his son. While his daughter slept next to him.

Spock did not know exactly how the aliens made it possible and he did not like at all that they had interfered with Jim’s biology. But looking at the children that had most definitely been created by the two of them, Spock could only be pleased at their existence.

“Can you guys give us some time?” Jim asked Nyota and the doctor.

Nyota stood. “Leonard, why don’t you and I go have some coffee?”

“Jim, are you sure?” McCoy asked Jim.

“I’m sure. We’ll be fine.”

Jim waited for Nyota and McCoy to leave the apartment and then he came to sit in the chair next to the sofa Spock sat on holding Christopher. He smiled.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Yes,” Spock said softly. “Extraordinary in every way.”

“I like that they have your ears.”

Spock looked up from his study of his son’s ears to stare at Christopher’s father. “Was the pregnancy difficult?”

“Well, it took some getting used to. Not something I ever expected. In the beginning I had a lot of morning sickness.”

Spock would have liked to have seen Jim growing with child and yet he could not quite figure out why.

“It-ah—can’t happen again. I had it taken out.”

Spock nodded. “I see.”

Jim winced and rubbed his temples.

“You are in pain?”

“I’ve been getting these headaches. A lot.”

“You and Dr. McCoy are together?”

“Bones? You mean like a couple?” Jim laughed a little. “No. We’re not like that. We’ve never been like that.”

“I see.”

“Look, um. Whatever happened before when I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry, and I know I can’t make up for that, but I’m glad you know now. And I figure we may as well share custody of them. So I guess I propose six months on Earth with me, here, and six months on New Vulcan with you.”

Spock rubbed his son’s pointed ear gently. “They are only a quarter Vulcan. I would rather they would not face the prejudice that can be strong against them.”

“Would they still? With your race being endangered?”

“I am still, even now.” Spock held Christopher’s hand. “I will move to San Francisco and we can share their custody here.”

“You would do that?”

“Though I am troubled by your keeping them a secret, I would not ever seek to take them from you. Living here seems the best solution. It is not as though I have not previously done so.” He met Jim’s gaze once more, but the blue eyes were unreadable. “I have already made inquiries and have learned there is a suitable apartment available in this building on the floor directly below.”

“Wow. I-I don’t know what to say, Spock.”

Spock inclined his head. “That would be a first.”

Jim smiled a little. “You want some tea?”

“That would be agreeable.”

Jim rose and went into the kitchen. Spock stood and carried the boy with him to watch Jim moving around in the kitchen.

“I have heard you will be teaching at the academy.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. I figured it made the most sense and they were really open to it.”

“Will you be satisfied with it?”

“I’ll have to be. The kids have to come first over…even space.” Jim eyed him. “What about you? Are you going to continue to pursue Kolinahr?”

“Not at this time. Too much in my life now prevents it from becoming successful. My path will be different now.”

Jim lifted the cup of tea he had just made in his hand and his hand shook violently, spilling tea on the counter. “Damn it.” He put the cup down. “Sorry. Jeez. I don’t know what that was.”

“Jim, look at me.”

Jim did. His eyes were bloodshot and his pupils dilated.

“Has your headache worsened?”

Jim nodded. “It hurts really bad.”

“If you want to lie down, I will watch the children.”

Jim bit his lip. “Are you sure? I mean, you just got here and—”

“I am certain. When Dr. McCoy returns I will send him in to you. I would rather you take care of yourself.”

“You know how to change diapers and feed them?”

Spock nodded. “Nyota assisted me. Plus, I researched it prior to my arrival.”

Jim smiled at that. “Oh, well, if you researched it, Mister Spock.”

Spock raised his eyebrow. “I assure you I am quite capable.”

“Okay. My head hurts too much to argue.” He gestured to the tea. “Sorry I spilled it.”

“It is of no consequence.”

For a moment they simply stared at each other and Spock nearly took a step toward Jim, but then Jim dropped his gaze with slight nod, then left the kitchen.


	9. Green

“Jim, are you sure about this?” Bones asked Jim for the fourth time that morning.

“Yes, I’m sure. Spock’s moved here for exactly this reason.”

“I don’t like this.”

“You don’t like anything, Bones. They’re his kids too. And I…I hate fighting with Spock. It hurts. It fucking hurts bad.”

They were wheeling the babies in their strollers down the hallway toward Spock’s new apartment.

“I don’t like the way he can keep hurting you like this. It was bad enough when he was on New Vulcan but now he’s gonna be right here and you’re going to have to see him every damn day.”

Jim understood Bones’ point, but the truth was part of him was glad Spock would be near. If he couldn’t be with Spock, which Spock had made it clear he could not, then at least Spock would be in his life. Maybe that made him pathetic. But for months Jim wasn’t sure he’d ever see Spock again.

He stopped at the door to Spock’s place and was about to knock when he was hit by a wave of dizziness. Jim gasped and leaned against the door.

“Jim?” Bones reached for him. “What is it?”

“Just-just a headache.” Jim blinked, exhaled a little and straightened. He smiled at Bones. “I’m okay.”

“Another headache? How many is that?”

“I don’t know, Bones. It’s just a headache.”

The door opened and Spock stood on the other side. “Jim, Doctor. Come in.”

Jim offered Spock his brightest smile as he pushed the strollers into Spock’s apartment. Spock’s eyes narrowed at him with what Jim would call suspicion.

“Jim, are you well?” Spock asked bluntly.

So much for his dazzling smile. Jim fluttered his fingers toward his head.

“Another headache?”

“God, what is with you two?” Jim turned to the babies. “Here they are. I’ve brought diapers, clothes—”

“I have purchased diapers, cloth ones, of course, as well as some additional clothing for them. I have also purchased them nursery furniture, bottles and formula,” Spock declared. “It did not make sense for you to have to keep moving your items back and forth between our apartments.”

“Oh.” Jim licked his lips. “Yeah. Okay.” He picked up the bag he had packed for the babies. Handed it over to Bones. “Um. They have these little rattles they like. Do you want—?”

“I saw them in your apartment and purchased similar rattles for them to have here.”

Jim smiled. “Well, you’ve thought of everything then. Haven’t you, Mister Spock?”

“I did try to anticipate what the children would require.”

“Well. If you’re sure you can handle them by yourself.”

“I can.” Spock nodded, looking quite cool and calm. “My father will be coming by later as well. Jim, it will be all right. If there are any issues, I will contact you immediately.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right. Sorry, Spock.” Jim turned to Bones. “All right, Bones. Let’s get out of Spock’s hair.”

He took a step and was hit by sharp pain in the back of his head. Jim gasped and began to pitch forward when two very strong arms held him upright.

“Jim?” Spock was frowning. Well as much as he ever did. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, just…that really hurt. It’s better now.”

“Your head?”

“Back of it, uh-huh.”

“I left my tricorder upstairs, Jim. And that’s where you’re going right now,” Bones said sternly. “I don’t like these headaches.”

“Nor do I.” Spock’s hand moved to the back of Jim’s head, where he touched the crown tenderly. “Does it hurt to touch the area?”

“Not really.” He patted Spock’s arm. “I’m fine. And now, really, I’ll leave you alone. I know you’re anxious to do some bonding with the babies.”

“Vulcans do not feel anxious.”

“Of course not.” Jim met Bones at the door. “See you later.”

He left Spock’s apartment, feeling unsettled being without the kids. He knew Spock would take care of them, probably better than him, if it came down to it, but he missed them already and he’d just dropped them off. Stupid.

“You okay, Jim?” Bones asked as they got in to lift to go back to their apartment. “Still your head?”

“It’s mostly gone. Just, you know, feeling a little sad.”

Bones nodded. “It’s no wonder.”

Back in their apartment Bones ran a tricorder over Jim. “Everything seems normal.”

“Good.”

“Seems. That doesn’t mean it is.”

Jim shook his head. “You worry too much.”

“Maybe.” Bones stabbed his neck with a hypo. “For your head.’

Jim rubbed the spot on his neck. “Thanks, I think.”

“Maybe I should stay home.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Go on your date, Bones. I’m fine. I’ll probably do some work, take a nap. Whatever. I’m fine.”

“If you’re sure.”

Jim smiled. “I am. Go on.”

After Bones left, Jim decided he was more tired than he thought so he went to lay down. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. When he awoke, he realized three hours had passed. He went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He blinked rapidly. His eyes were green. Not just the irises but the entire eye, the white part and everything.

“What the fuck?” Jim breathed.

He closed his eyes and then opened them. They were blue again and the white was white. He repeated the move several times but every time his eyes were normal.

Jim inhaled, exhaled. Inhaled, exhaled.

Maybe he was losing his mind. A remnant of a dream?


	10. A Dawning Realization

“The child has diarrhea,” Father stated in a bland voice.

Spock gave him the side-eye. “I am aware of that. I have already had to change Amanda three times since Jim dropped them off.”

“It is not uncommon in infants.”

Spock wiped his daughter carefully. She had, at least, stopped crying. She was staring up at him with big wet, brown eyes very reminiscent of his own. Her round eyebrows and long lashes reminded Spock of Jim, however. As did her pink cheeks. She had a small smattering of dark curly hair on her head, but it was not enough to cover her very pointed ears. She was such a mixture of her two fathers. He fastened up her diaper and picked her up from the changing table, depositing her into the waiting arms of her grandfather, while Spock cleaned up.

“She is a beautiful child,” Father said, studying her. “They both are. You and James are fortunate.”

“Yes.” Spock went to wash his hands after taking care of the rest of the diapering products.

“I would like to make a personal query.’

“Very well.” Spock went to fill the tea kettle to make hot water for tea.

“It had been my belief, my understanding, that you at one time desired James Kirk as your bondmate.”

Spock’s side clenched. “That is correct.”

“What changed in this?” Father took Amanda with him as he sat on the sofa. He gazed down at Christopher who played on his stomach in the playpen beside the couch.

“At one time, our minds were quite compatible and I believed that Jim wanted the bond as much as I did.” Spock got out two cups as well as a pot for the loose tea.

“He did not?”

Spock hesitated. He was not entirely comfortable discussing personal matters with anyone, and less so since it seemed almost everyone he knew was against him, but this was his father. And he had never known his father to judge him.

“He was abducted by a species that experimented on their captives. They held him captive for three weeks before we were able to rescue him. Not only did they implant the womb in him and give him the ability to become pregnant, but they did mind manipulation and experiments on his brain. When he was returned to us, I melded with him briefly and our compatibility was non-existent. In fact his mind reacted very aggressively against mine. He refused to seek any help from a mind healer and became very resistant to our joining in a Vulcan bond. While I could understand it given what he had been through, I felt it was necessary to end our relationship since it would never become what I sought in a mate.”

“I see. That is unfortunate.”

“Yes.” Spock swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. “I was emotionally compromised and I did not handle it well. Without telling Jim, I sought to resign from Starfleet and seek Kolinahr, as I did not believe I would ever want to bond with another. He did not appreciate my actions without discussing them with him. Thus, he hid his pregnancy and the birth of the children from me.”

“And you are certain that the prior compatibility of your minds no longer exists?”

“I did not sense it. Frankly I was disturbed by the way his mind fought mine. It was very…intrusive. I sensed aggression, fear, willingness to manipulate my own mind.” He poured the boiling water over the tea leaves.

“Perhaps with a Vulcan healer his mind could be healed and returned to its prior state,” Father said.

“Perhaps. But he would not agree to this then. I doubt he would do so now with what has occurred between us.” Spock brought out the teapot and teacups and set them on the coffee table in front of the sofa.

Father studied him carefully. “And what do you want, Spock? Do you still view him with affection?”

“There will never be another for me other than him,” Spock answered. “I had believed…it does not matter.”

“What?”

“I had been under the belief that Jim was my t’hy’la. I can only believe now that I was mistaken.”

Father arched a brow. “A t’hy’la bond with a human?”

Spock nodded. “It felt like it to me.”

“You have no experience with such bonds. How would you know what it would feel like?”

“I cannot explain, but it did feel like it. Then. But after…no.”

“It is a puzzle,” Father said. “But one I believe you should pursue. If you do have a t’hy’la bond with James Kirk it would be wrong to abandon it.”

Was Spock abandoning his t’hy’la bond with Jim? He had been certain that he had merely been mistaken about the bond. He felt nothing from Jim’s mind. No cry for help, no yearning. Just blackness and violence.

But if Jim’s abduction had damaged their bond, if it existed, and Spock just turned away, then Spock would still have no right to be with Jim. To turn one’s back on one’s t’hy’la, to harm him, that would be unforgivable.

Spock stood. He suddenly had an inexplicable need to see Jim. It was entirely illogical and yet—

“Father, will you be all right with Amanda and Christopher for a short period?”

Father blinked but otherwise showed no reaction. “Of course.”

“I will return.” 


	11. A Revelation

“Jim.”

He opened his eyes and stared into the chocolate brown eyes of Spock. He realized that his head was being cradled in Spock’s lap.

“What?”

“I found you on the floor, ashaya.”

Jim blinked. He must be dreaming. Spock had called him an endearment he had not used for months when referring to Jim.

“Uh, I don’t know how I got here,” Jim admitted.

Spock frowned minutely. “You do not recall?”

“I was going into the kitchen for some tea.” Spock helped Jim to sit up. “My head.”

 “A headache again?” Spock’s fingers went to Jim’s face. “May I?”

They hadn’t melded since…Jim bit his lip. “Are you sure you want to?”

“Yes,” Spock said, his voice whisper soft. “Trust me.”

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

He was sure he had to be imagining the shake in Spock’s hands as his fingers spread across Jim’s face to his psi-points. He closed his eyes. He didn’t feel much of anything. Prior melds there had been such a closeness, such a connection. And now—

The fingers dropped from his meld points, but not his face as Spock stared intently at him.

“That-that was different,” Jim whispered.

“It was an exploratory meld,” Spock replied.

“Oh.”

“I am going to help you stand, Jim. Do not make any sudden movements.” Spock helped him to his feet.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, ashaya.” Spock’s touch was very gentle. “I’m going to help you to the couch and then we will contact Dr. McCoy.”

Jim blinked. “You’re scaring me.”

“Shh. It is nothing. All will be well.”

Jim sat on the sofa and Spock sat beside him, reaching for his hand. “Are the babies all right?”

“Yes, they are with my father. I will check on them soon.”

“Spock?”

Spock cupped Jim’s jaw. “I will take care of you.”

“What?” Jim was starting to get really worried. Spock was acting really strange. And he wasn’t explaining anything. “Take care of me? Spock, you left me.”

“I know.” Spock stroked Jim’s hair. “I’m going to contact Dr. McCoy now. Go to sleep, ashaya.”

“Wait, what?” Spock’s hand was on his shoulder and he felt the pinch.

****

“Where is he?” McCoy demanded as soon as he walked into the apartment.

“He is here.”

McCoy walked immediately to Jim. He glanced down at Jim lying unconscious on the couch. “What happened?”

“I neck pinched him.”

“What?”

Spock shook his head. “It was necessary.”

“Necessary? What the fuck are you doing here, Spock? Jim’s letting you back in his life, letting you see the kids, and this is how you repay him?”

“Doctor, Jim is not alone.”

“Excuse me?”

“There is another presence within his mind.”  


	12. Are You Going to be There?

“What in God’s green earth are you talking about?”

Spock exhaled very slowly. He kept one hand on Jim, though he could see that McCoy was less than pleased by his physical contact with him. “When he was abducted it is likely one of his abductors planted something within him. It has wrapped itself around his brain stem.”

McCoy’s jaw clenched. “And you know this how?”

“I examined his mind. It is likely when we first retrieved him whatever they put inside him was too small to detect. It has increased in size over time and as now attached itself to him in a way that is causing him severe headaches and other trauma.”

The doctor glared at him. “And now what? After the way you treated him, you think you have a right to have your damn hands all over him?”

“He is my t’hy’la.”

“Your what now?” McCoy shook his head. “Never mind. I don’t care what you think you are doing.”

“What has happened to him is completely my responsibility, doctor. I knew there was something different about him when he was returned to us but I did not do enough research and analysis to determine what it was.”

“This is Jim we’re talking about, not some lab experiment.”

“Your emotionalism will not assist in the matter.”

“And your logical, analytical, heartless mind is what got Jim in this condition in the first place. You got him pregnant, abandoned him—”

“I did not know he was with child.”

“Oh, so now you’re defending yourself?”

“Doctor, we must concentrate on Jim, not at sniping at each other. Are we in agreement that Jim is both our priorities at the moment?”

“I’ll have to do a brain scan,” McCoy mumbled. “If he really does have something else living in him, I’d like to keep him sedated. This thing…no telling what it will do if it feels threatened.”

“I have considered the same thing.”

The doctor was quiet for a while, then he said softy, “Have you considered it may be too late and there’s nothing we can do for him?”

Spock did not flinch but it was with effort. “I will not allow him to suffer with some alien parasite within him.”

McCoy met Spock’s gaze. “Exactly.”

Spock threaded his fingers through Jim’s. “I understand, doctor. But I am hopeful that it will not come to that.”

“As am I. We need to get him to the hospital. Can your father handle watching the babies or should I call Uhura?”

“Perhaps it would be best to have both my father and Nyota watch them.”

McCoy nodded. He gently pushed a hypo into Jim’s arm. “I’ll be right back.”

When the doctor stepped away, Spock placed his other hand on Jim’s face. “I do not know if you will ever forgive me, t’hy’la. Nor if I will forgive myself. But I will make sure you are well and safe.” He ran his thumb over Jim’s bottom lip. “And Amanda and Christopher also. The three of you are my priority now and always.”

McCoy appeared again, his gaze going to Spock’s intimacies with Jim. “Uhura is on her way. I’ve also called for transport for Jim to the hospital.”

“Very well.”

“I have to ask something, Spock.”

Spock waited.

“Are you going to be there for Jim? Not just the babies. I get that they are your children and you want to be involved. But this is about Jim now. God knows why, but he still loves you.”

“I hold him in high regard.”

“Do you? Because it hasn’t always seemed so. He’s been an afterthought to you and your culture more than once. He had doubts about bonding with you because that’s not our way and Jim guards his thoughts, experiences and memories very close. Instead of reassuring him, you pushed him away because he didn’t react the way you wanted him to react. Even before this alien abduction.” McCoy sighed. “He told me about it. About how you closed off when he expressed reservations.”

“I regret many things, doctor.”

“That’s not exactly what I want to hear.”

“Regrets are quite illogical and futile as well,” Spock said quietly. “Kaiidth. And yet when it comes to Jim, I find myself indulging in them. I have made mistakes. I am hardly infallible.”

“Well, I knew that.”

“What is left between me and my t’hy’la when I have ensured his well-being, I do not know. And that is between us. But while he is going through this, doctor, I will not leave his side.”

“I suppose I will have to be satisfied with that,” McCoy grumbled. There was a knock at the door. “They’re here.”


	13. Possibilities

“I’m going to wake Jim up.”

Spock looked up from his PADD.  He was sitting in Jim’s hospital room. Jim was lying in the bed, sedated and completely out of it. “Is that wise?”

Leonard looked down at Jim. “I’m going to be honest with you here, Spock. After consulting with the surgeon and M’Benga, Jim’s chances are not good.”

Spock set his PADD down and rose. “Clarify.”

“This parasite is really latched on, Spock. It’s going to be difficult to remove it. One small mistake and—” Leonard got choked up and stopped talking. He stroked Jim’s arm. “I-I’m real sorry, Spock.”

“Doctor?”

“I should have caught this before. I should have known. I could have saved him then. Maybe.”

Spock knew his hand was shaking as he reached for Jim’s hand. “We both erred, doctor. I blame myself more than you. If Jim does not make it, I have failed him.”

“Spock—”

“He will make it though. This is not the end for him. For me. For us. We have Amanda and Christopher and we will raise them together.”

Leonard let out a soft breath. “I want Jim to be able to—look, if he doesn’t make it, I want all of us to be able to say goodbye. His children, me, you. Maybe you can have a chance to tell him how you feel.”

Spock knew he was gripping Jim’s hand like a lifeline. “And the parasite? Is there some risk of it knowing our intentions?”

“There’s so much we don’t know about it that I can’t give you a firm answer on that. I think Jim would want to take his chances.”

“Very well.”

Leonard nodded. “I’ve sent for your father and Nyota to come with the babies. I’ll wake Jim, Spock, and tell him. It’s better explained by his doctors anyway. Why don’t you take a break?”

He did not wish to let Jim’s hand go, but he did anyway. He was bereft the moment he did. He nodded at Leonard and departed Jim’s room.

****

“Hey,” Jim said softly when Spock stepped up to his bed. Jim’s blue eyes were very prominent in his pale face and Spock’s heart kicked up as he wrapped his hand around Jim’s.

“Jim.”

“Bones told me everything. That explains a lot, actually. The green eyes.”

“Green eyes?”

“Yeah, um, it was weird.” Jim shook his head wearily. “Later.”

“Ashayam,” he whispered. He was at a loss for words. How did he even begin to make up for what he had done to Jim?

Jim shook his head. “We’ll-we’ll have time, Spock. Right?”

Spock stared into Jim’s hopeful eyes. “Yes. We will not be parted again.”

Jim squeezed his hands. “Spock, I—”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“Amanda and Christopher. You need to promise me.”

Spock’s heart constricted. “I would promise you anything.”

“You’ll take care of them if I-if I—”

“Jim, there will be time,” Spock insisted. “We will raise them together.”

Jim nodded. “I know. But if we can’t, you have to promise me.”

The hospital room door opened and in walked Spock’s father and Nyota, each holding a baby.

“Here we are,” Nyota said with false cheer. She was holding Amanda. “Look, there’s your sa-mekh and your papa.”

Jim smiled as she put Amanda in the crook of his arm. “Hi, sweet thing.”

Spock’s father set Christopher in the crook of Jim’s other arm. He looked at Sarek.

“Thanks,” Jim murmured.  Then he met Spock’s gaze. “Have you ever seen anything more perfect?”

Spock swallowed. His family. “Negative.”

“So?”

He nodded. “Yes, ashayam. I promise.”


	14. A Conversation

“So, um, I’m not going to lie here, Jim. Your chances are…” Bones stopped, clearly choked up. “Questionable.”

Jim smiled. It was hard, sure, but he’d do it for Bones. “Okay.”

“You could die in surgery. Something could go wrong and you live, but never be yourself again. Brain damage. We could find it impossible to remove-to remove the thing.”

“I understand.”

Bones stared at him with watery eyes. “Do you? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

“Bones—”

“I don’t understand how something that could give you those two wonderful babies could destroy you at the same time.”

“Not every kid grows up with parents, Bones. I know that better than most.”

“Well, I hate it.”

“I know. Look, I don’t know what the point of all their experiments were either. And the truth is, if you get this thing out of me, how do we even know that’s it? What else could they have done?” Jim sighed. “I’m scared, Bones. Of course I am. But what else can we do? Let this this thing take over me? I don’t want that.”

“I know,” Bones whispered. He sat on the edge of Jim’s bed. “It’s just…you deserve some happiness. You, of all people, deserve it. And I’m sick of life fucking with you.”

Jim reached for Bones’ hand and squeezed. “You should see it from my point of view,” he joked. “Bones, I’ve survived a lot of shit, despite all odds against me. Maybe I will this time, too.”

“Or you could have run out of luck.”

Jim nodded. “Yes.”

“And the hobgoblin?”

Jim smiled. “What about Spock?”

“Is he on board the Jim fan club again?”

“I guess.” Jim shrugged. “He acts like it.”

“And what do you want?”

“It’s kind of hard for me to think of the future right now,” Jim admitted. “He says he loves me. I guess that’s an improvement over before.”

“Maybe focusing on the future would be a good thing,” Bones suggested.

“I know what it’s like to hope for something that’s never going to happen, Bones.”

“You said yourself the hobgoblin says he loves you.”

“Sure,” Jim agreed. “But there’s more to this than love. I love him, he loves me, and that’s great. But he needs to bond, which has always been the issue. He doesn’t want to bond with me. Or didn’t.”

“He said he would be here for you,” Bones said softly. “And I believe him. I’m not always fond of him, but I believe him, Jim. “

“I know he wants to be there for the sake of the children,” Jim replied. He couldn’t really think of anything beyond that now. He loved Spock. Forever. And he never truly doubted Spock had feelings for him. But love didn’t solve everything, far from it. And staying together for the sake of the children could be a disaster. “Let’s deal with all that if it…when it comes.”

Bones stared at Jim intently, holding his hand in his even tighter. “I have something to say and you’re going to listen.”

“Bones—”

Bones shook his head. “I’m not good at the mushy stuff and God knows I don’t want to go there now, but, you already died on me once, and if I wasn’t able to save you, well, I wouldn’t have been able to say anything to you before you were gone.”

“It’s all right.” Jim whispered, his chest tightening.

“No, it isn’t. I have to say this. In case I don’t—in case.” Bones stared at Jim, his eyes wet. “You’re my best friend. My family. I don’t know what I would have done without you. Probably faded away a long time ago. You’re nothing but a pain in my ass sometimes. You’d try the patience of a saint, and that sure the hell ain’t me. But I love you. And I’m asking you—” Bones voice broke. He cleared his throat. “I’m asking you not to die on me.”

Tears pricked Jim’s eyes. He pulled Bones to him and hugged him close. “I’ll do my best.”

Bones hugged him back, so tight it was painful but Jim didn’t protest. “You’d better.”

The door of the hospital room opened and Spock stood there. Jim met his gaze.

“They are ready, Jim.”


	15. Loss

It had been hours. Hours. Spock could not stop pacing. He could not. Why hadn’t anyone come out to tell him how Jim was? It could not be good news. Surely.

“Pacing is illogical,” his father advised him from his seat in the waiting room. “Sit, my son.”

“I do not want to sit.”

“Your petulance is also illogical. Dr. McCoy will not come out faster simply because you are wearing out the carpet in the waiting room. Sit.”

Spock wished to argue further but he sat instead. “I should be with Christopher and Amanda.”

“Ms. Uhura is currently in charge of their care. I checked on them moments ago. They are well.”

“They need Jim.” I need Jim, Spock thought.

“And they will have him, my son.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“It is illogical, and yet, I am.”

This…all of this…was Spock’s fault. He was well aware of that. From Jim being abducted on, Spock was to blame. If he was forced to suffer, then he could accept that. But he could not accept what happened to Jim. He could not even blame Jim for shutting him out of his and the children’s lives. He had at first. But now…all he was wanted was another chance.

A chance to prove he could be the best mate to Jim. The best father to their children.

The door opened from the operating area and Spock stood anxiously. Dr. McCoy emerged, looking haggard and as though he had aged twenty years. He looked exceedingly grim.

Spock pushed down panic.

“Spock.” McCoy’s voice cracked. “It-it was too-too wrapped around his brain. We couldn’t remove it.”

“Then-then we’ll find someone who can. Someone who has skills in—”

McCoy shook his head. His eyes welled up with tears. “He didn’t make it.”

Surely the floor dropped out from under him. “What?”

“Jim’s gone, Spock. We couldn’t save him.” McCoy swallowed heavily. “Not this time. Kid ran out of luck.”

“But I-I do not feel-surely I would know if-if-” Spock started shaking. He could not lose Jim. Not so soon. Surely they would have more years than this. He had not ruined everything had he? It was not the way it was supposed to be.

“Spock, you’d better sit down.”

“I do not want to sit down,” Spock said suddenly furiously angry. “I want my mate back.”

“Spock.”

He felt such anguish. How could he endure this?

“Spock.”

It was not fair.

“Spock. Wake. Up.”

Spock opened his eyes as he was roughly shaken by his father.

“Spock. You were dreaming.”

Spock blinked. “I do not dream.”

“Apparently you do.”

Spock glanced toward the door which was still closed. His stomach flipped.

“Are you well, son?”

“Has Dr. McCoy come out?”

“Negative.”

Then there was hope. Illogically, Spock clung to it.

The door opened and Spock stood. So did his father.

Dr. McCoy came out looking haggard and as though he had aged twenty years. Spock started to shake. He felt his father’s hand on his shoulder. Spock felt faint.

McCoy frowned. “What’s wrong with you?”  

“Jim—”

“Well, he’s still out of it, probably will be for a while, but you can go see him if you want.”

For a moment, Spock’s vision winked out. Then he got himself under control. “Then he is all right?”

McCoy nodded. “We got it. All of it. Had to kill it to get it off his brain, but to be honest, we weren’t too upset about that.”

“Doctor, are there any other traces of foreign bodies inside James?” Spock’s father asked.

“No. We double and triple checked that. It’s all gone.”

Spock nodded. “I wish to see him.”

McCoy smiled a little. “Are you sure you can walk, Spock? You look a little wrecked.”

“I am fine, Dr. McCoy.”

“Of course you are.” He gestured to the door. “Go right ahead.”

Spock nodded again and his father’s hand slipped off his shoulder as he moved forward. His legs worked, for which he was grateful. He already suspected McCoy was far too amused at his expense.

There was a nurse in with Jim, when Spock reached him, but she gave Spock a little smile and excused herself as Spock approached Jim’s bed. His head was wrapped in bandages and he looked very pale, but his eyelids were fluttering and his chest rose and fell with breaths.

Spock reached for his hand and grasped onto it like it was a lifeline. Perhaps it was.

The nurse came back with a chair for Spock, which allowed him to sit while holding Jim’s hand.

“Thank you,” he whispered. He took the seat and continued his vigil by Jim’s bed. He had no intention of leaving unless Dr. McCoy had him thrown out.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“What are you mumbling over there in Vulcan?” McCoy asked, coming into the room and going to the other side of Jim’s bed. He took out a medical tricorder to scan Jim.

“I am declaring my affection for Jim,” Spock said softly.

The doctor’s gaze rose to meet Spock’s. “You know, I believe you. I think you really do care about Jim.”

“It is beyond mere caring, doctor.”

“I believe that too. And I gotta say, it’s about time you acknowledged it.” McCoy shook his head. “There were times I wanted to strangle you myself.”

“That would have been unwise.”

“Yeah, well. So was the way you were treating Jim.”

Spock dropped his gaze to Jim. “I am aware.”

“I will admit he probably should have told you about the pregnancy.”

“Indeed.”

“But you were going on about incompatibility and all that rubbish.” McCoy shook his head. “You’ve got the chance to fix this, Spock. And be with Jim and those precious babies. Don’t blow it.”

“I do not intend to blow it, doctor.”

McCoy nodded. Stroked his fingers across Jim’s forehead. “I’ll be back shortly. I don’t suppose it would do any good to tell you to go home and get some rest.”

“I am not leaving.”

“I figured.” McCoy left.

Spock brought Jim’s cold fingers to his lips and gently kissed them.      


	16. Found

 Spock was shaken awake. Not very gently either.

Which meant—

“Doctor?”

“I had a bed brought in here for you, Spock. Why didn’t you use that?” McCoy asked with a shake of his head.

Spock was curled up next to Jim in Jim’s hospital bed in a rather twisted, uncomfortable position. He could feel the stiffness in his limbs. “I wished to be close in case he woke.”

“Why don’t you un-pretzel yourself? I need to examine him.”

Spock carefully disentangled himself from Jim and stood up next to the bed. “His color is improved.”

McCoy shot him one of his patented ‘I’m the doctor here’ looks, but leaned down to use a medical tricorder on Jim.

“His breathing as well. And his heart rate.” Spock knew for he had spent a lot of the night with his head resting on Jim’s chest.

“I wonder why you didn’t go into the medical field, Spock.” McCoy shook his head.

“Doctor—”

“Why don’t you just call me Leonard, Spock? I am more than just my profession.”

Spock considered it. It was true he had known the doctor a number of years. Nyota was Nyota except on duty and Jim was Jim also except when he was Captain. “Very well, Leonard.”

“Was that so hard?”

“I do not know.”

Leonard sighed. “He’s doing well.”

“When will he regain consciousness?”

“Any time, I’d guess.”

“I would prefer you leave the guessing to amateurs and rely on scientific facts.”

Leonard rolled his eyes. “You’re really something. I can’t say with certainty when Jim will wake up. I can’t give you a precise hour, minute, or second.”

Spock considered. “But it will be soon?”

“Almost certainly.” Leonard patted Spock’s shoulder. “There’s still time for you to go home and rest.”

“I will not leave. As I told you before.”

“Fine. The bed—”

“I have obtained as much rest as is required now,” Spock replied. “But I would not mind a cup of tea.”

“I’m a doctor not the wait staff.”

Spock lifted a brow.

“All right. I’ll bring you some tea.” Leonard turned away. “When he does wake you are to contact me immediately.”

“Of course.”

As soon as Leonard left, Spock stepped close to Jim once more. He placed his hand on Jim’s cheek, then reached up to smooth Jim’s hair down.

Only a moment later a nurse came in with tea in a ceramic cup for Spock. She briefly smiled down at Jim, touching his hand, and Spock had a moment where he wanted to swat her hand away, but she moved off and left them alone once more.

****

Spock was reading on his PADD when he heard a low murmur. He stood instantly, approaching Jim with more anxiety than was logical. After all the doctor had assured Spock Jim would recover.

He watched Jim carefully for any signs he was coming around. Very slowly the lashes lifted. Spock gripped the railing on the bed.

“Jim?” He was unable to stop the query from leaving his lips.

Jim’s lips curved ever so slightly. Then the lashes lifted entirely revealing cerulean blue. Spock found himself holding his breath.

“Hi.” So softly spoken that even with Spock’s superior hearing he had almost missed it.  

“Jim.”

“I guess I made it.”

Spock swallowed. “Yes. For which I am grateful.”

Jim smiled. “Are you all right?”

Spock reached for Jim’s head and grasped it, curling his fingers around his palm. It was cool to the touch. “I believe so.”

Jim’s eyes were only half opened but he gazed at Spock. “What is it?”

“I dreamed you did not make it,” Spock admitted. He was supposed to notify McCoy but he found he wanted this time with Jim, just them.

“I see,” Jim said softly. “How did that make you feel?”

“Bereft.”

Jim squeezed his hand. “I’m here. I made it.”

“And now there is a chance.”

“A chance?”

“For us.” Spock paused. “For me.”

“Our family?”

Spock’s heart clenched. “Yes.”

“And that’s what you want?”

“More than I can say.”

Jim’s eyes were closing again.

“Rest now, ashayam.” Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s psi points, letting Jim feel his love.

Jim’s eyes widened slightly. “That’s—wow.”

Spock leaned down to place a chaste kiss on Jim’s lips. “T’hy’la, sleep.”


	17. Hopelessly Devoted

Spock entered Jim’s hospital room to find that Jim was sitting up in bed, holding both babies. Standing at the foot of the bed was Spock’s father, who had obviously brought the twins.

“I left for only ten minutes,” Spock said, rather illogically.

“We only just arrived,” his father said.

Spock approached the bed and looked down into the faces of his children. It was still a remarkable thing to Spock to have children. He had never expected to have them and that they were with Jim who was his t’hy’la…

“Spock?”

He turned his gaze to Jim who was smiling at him but with a touch of confusion in his eyes.

“I am admiring the beauty of our offspring,” Spock explained. “May I?”

He sat on the edge of the bed and reached for the nearest one of the children. Amanda as it turned out. She was staring at him with wide brown eyes so like his. And his mother’s, her namesake. He grasped her hand.

“She seems so fragile.”

“She’s still just a baby,” Jim told him with a smile. “She’ll get stronger.”

“To think that something so alien could invade your brain and try to consume you could also be responsible for us having these.” Spock shook his head. “It is remarkable.”

“The universe has any number of things we can’t understand,” Jim murmured. ““There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

“What is that?” Spock’s father asked.

“A quote from an old Earth play.”

“Ah. If you will excuse me a moment, I will go seek out Dr. McCoy.”

Jim’s gaze followed Sarek’s departure. Then he looked at Spock. “You all right?”

Spock angled his head. “My concern is with you.”

“I’m fine. I feel normal again. Well.” Jim grinned. “As normal as I ever feel.”

Spock stared at him intently. “I meant what I said before when you first woke. I would like another chance to be part of their lives. And…yours.”

“What’s changed exactly? I mean…before you—”

“If you will recall, ashayam, you were reluctant before also. When I first brought it up.”

“I didn’t refuse though.”

“No, but you were in no hurry to join our minds despite my having told you there was already a dormant bond in place. But prior to your abduction I desired to bond formally with you very much.”

“And then the aliens fucked with me. Fucked with the link already established between us.” Jim lowered his gaze to Christopher. He smiled softly. “I hate them. What they did. At times I thought I’d only feel darkness, never lightness again.”

“Jim.”

“But this? These two? I wouldn’t trade them for anything. If it meant I had to endure all the rest, even you walking away from me like I was nothing, well…it was worth it.”

“Your mind fought mine. It was quite aggressive. You made it clear you wanted no bond. Or I was given to believe that.”

“I know. It-he-didn’t want you in. Didn’t want you to discover. I think eventually he would have just taken over me. In the end the mind control I feared occurred from another source. One much more alien and malevolent.” Jim blew out a breath, his gaze rising. “I’m so glad he’s gone.”

“I too am gratified.” Spock touched his free hand to Jim’s face, spreading his fingers there.

“I have you and Bones to thank for that. And the other doctors.”

“I deserve no thanks. If I had examined your mind more thoroughly before perhaps I would have learned of the alien’s existence sooner.” Spock smoothed his thumb across Jim’s cheek, just under his eyes. Dark smudge still shadowed his face. Exhaustion made him far paler than Spock would like. “Vulcan bonds are never about mind control, t’hy’la. It is sharing, not taking over. It is as much for each one in the pair. You would get as much benefit from the bond as I would.”

“And there would be a family bond with Amanda and Christopher too, right? And the two of us.” Jim’s gaze searched his.

“Yes. If you will allow it. Nothing would please me more than to have all of you bonded with me.”

“It was never because I didn’t love you, Spock. God, sometimes you’re like the air I breathe. It was just…”

“You fear anyone who claims to love you will abandon you in the end,” Spock said softly.

“I’m not always easy to be with, Spock. I didn’t want to tie you to me forever, not in that way, and have you realize it was a mistake.”

“You are never a mistake.” Spock leaned close enough so that he could touch their lips together.

There was a clearing of a throat in the doorway and Spock reluctantly leaned away from Jim, turning to look at McCoy.

“As cozy and heartwarming as this is, Jim is scheduled for some tests.”

Spock felt uneasy. “I thought that he was fine and that all traces of the invasive alien entity had been successfully removed.”

“Spock.”

“It has,” McCoy assured him. “But we still need to run tests. They’re routine before we release him, Spock.”

“Spock,” Jim said again.

Spock glanced at Jim, who smiled softly at him.

“It’s all right. I’m all right.”

Spock recognized that Jim was trying to soothe him with both his words and his smile, and he even felt a trace of calm along their not fully realized bond. It gave him hope for what he hoped they would share soon.

He stared into Jim’s eyes, so warm, so giving, and full of love and understanding that Spock was certain he did not deserve, and yet, he grasped onto it, unwilling to let it go. Worthy or not.

“If you want to bond us, it would be smart to make sure everything’s okay,” Jim told him quietly. “I don’t want anything to harm you or the babies.”

“What’s this?” McCoy demanded.

“Spock asked me to marry him.”

McCoy snorted. “Swell. And your answer?”

Spock could not look away from Jim’s beautiful smile.

“I said yes.”  


	18. Contentment

“Are you sure about this, Jim?”

Jim glanced at Bones as he pulled on the clothes Spock had brought him earlier when they’d learned he was finally going to get out. “You know I hate hospitals, Bones. I’d have left three days ago if it was up to me.”

“That’s not what I mean. You and the hobgoblin. Married. Bonded. Married and Bonded.”

Jim pulled his shirt over his head. “He is the father of my children.” He paused, shook his head. “That’s always weird to say, I gotta admit.”

“It’s weird from my end too, believe me.” Bones grimaced. “But that’s not a reason to marry someone, Jim.”

Jim stood. “Isn’t it?”

“No.” Bones was downright scowling. “You can share custody with him of Amanda and Christopher.”

“Bones.” Jim sighed and squeezed Bones’ shoulder. “I love you. I do. But sometimes you’re a real pain in my ass.”

“Jim—”

“I love Spock, Bones. I always have. That hasn’t changed.”

“I know. But love doesn’t solve all your problems.”

“Maybe. But both of us have changed and I think we both want this enough to make it work.”

“Okay. But…maybe just stick with marriage? Human marriage. If it doesn’t work out, you get a divorce.”

“Spock needs a bond. Vulcans find them as important as air they breathe.”

“I know and that’s what caused issues before. He didn’t think you two were compatible and—”

“We are. I’m his t’hy’la.”

“Whatever mumbo jumbo that is,” Bones muttered. He marked the form on his PADD to release Jim. “Bonds are permanent, Jim. It takes something major to break or sever them.”

Jim smiled. “You’ve been talking to Sarek.”

“What if I have? If anyone is an expert on all things logical it’s him. Which this isn’t, by the way. Logical. At. All.”

“Love shouldn’t be logical, Bones.” He suddenly embraced his friend. “I know what I’m doing. I promise. Spock won’t hurt me.”

“He has before.” Bones hugged him back, tight.

“And I’ve hurt him, too. We’ll be okay.”

“Are you ready to leave, Jim?” Spock spoke from the doorway of his hospital room and Jim had to wonder how much Spock had overheard.

He released Bones and turned to Spock with a grin. “More than. Let’s go home.”

Jim was surprised when Spock took his arm as they walked out of the hospital.

“You know I can walk, right?”

“I do.” But neither did Spock release his hold.

“You know I’m okay, right?”

“Logically, yes.”

Jim smiled.

“The doctor has doubts about our bonding?”

“Bones is a worrywart, Spock.”

“Where you are concerned, yes.”

“Exactly.”

“So he has not caused you to have doubts also?”

Jim shook his head. “No. We’re doing this. Bonding, marrying, coupling, parenting. The whole thing, Spock.” He glanced sideways at Spock. “Isn’t that what you want?”

“Very much so.”

“Well, it’s what I want too.” Jim searched his gaze. “So don’t make problems where there aren’t any. Okay?”

Spock nodded. “You are right. It is…part of me fears this is only a dream. And I will wake up and learn you have not forgiven me or this is all an illusion.”

“Oh, sweetheart. It’s no dream. It’s real. You and I. I promise.” He stopped Spock by the hover car he’d been led to. He touched his fingers to Spock’s jaw. “Where are the babies?”

“My father has them. He will keep them until we say we are ready for them.”

Now that perked Jim right up. “Yeah? So, um, we could contact him after.” He waggled his brows.

“You were just released from the hospital.”

“And Bones said I’m fully functional. Come on, Spock, it’s been forever.”

Spock visibly swallowed. “It has been a long time.”

“A long time. It probably won’t even take that long considering. You know to—”

“Yes, I understood.” He opened the door of the hover car. “I suggest we hurry to your apartment then.”

Jim licked his lips. “Yeah, hurry.”

****

Jim lay naked on his bed as Spock joined him, naked as well, and so sleek and beautiful, as he loomed just over Jim, their lips almost touching.

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered. His chocolate eyes were so warm and full of love, Jim’s breath caught. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

Jim let his eyelids drift to half closed as Spock’s mouth covered his again and again. Their lips slanted together, both of them kissing like they could never get enough. Perhaps that was true. It had been too long since they’d been together.

He was aware of Spock’s hands ghosting over every inch of his bare skin, long fingers closing over his erection. His breath hitched as Spock’s tongue teased his.

Then Jim was flipped on his stomach, his preferred position, his cheeks parted by strong hands. A moment to prepare, and then Spock was in him, balls deep. Jim exhaled as his ass was stuffed blissfully full.

Then Spock’s hand was on his face, his lips next to Jim’s ear as he murmured softly words in Vulcan.

Spock’s teeth sank into his throat, sucking a bruise there, a marking of sort, and Jim pushed back against the thrusts in his ass, so good, so much, too much perhaps. He came like a rocket and clenched around Spock as his lover followed, pouring into Jim.

Jim was turned then to face Spock and kissed over and over again. His skin was abuzz, his mind open and clearer than it had ever been.

“Spock, I feel you everywhere,” Jim said in wonder.

“I feel you too, my beloved.”

“What is it?”

“I believe we have bonded.”

Jim blinked. “Just like that?” Not that he was complaining. It was like…so intimate. Like being held close in an embrace. And it wasn’t frightening at all. It was home.

“I believe our coupling completed it,” Spock said, his voice sounding a little awed. “I do not believe a ceremony will be required for the bonding.”

“But we’ve made love before. Even before I was abducted.”

“Perhaps our minds were not ready to be joined then but now, we were. We are.”

Jim smiled.

“Are you all right?” Spock asked, hesitantly.

“All right? I feel great. You’re amazing, t’hy’la.”

That earned him a very rare smile. The bond brightened more, filling with warmth, love, and happiness.

“Yes,” Spock replied. “I am happy.”

Jim’s lips twitched. “I thought Vulcans didn’t feel happy.”

Spock arched a brow. “Content then.”

Jim pulled him close for a kiss. “I’m content too.”


	19. This is the Vulcan Heart. This is the Vulcan Soul.

“You come here often?”

Spock eyed the blond human who had stepped up to where Spock stood by the window on the twelfth floor of Starfleet headquarters. He had been contemplating the outdoors. It was a bright sunny day though there puffs of clouds on the horizons.

His lips twitching slightly, Spock shook his head. “I do not. Though at one time I did.”

“Mm. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really want you to be the father of my children.”

“Is there a right way to take that?” Spock wondered.

Jim laughed. “Well, since you already are, I guess it doesn’t matter.” He straightened his dress uniform. “What are you doing?”

“Admiring the view of the city.”

“It’s a nice view,” Jim agreed, his eyes on Spock. “But my view is far prettier.” He winked.

Spock felt himself blush. “The things you say, ashaya.”

“You ready to get hitched?”

“Indeed, I am.” Spock pulled down on the jacket of his own dress uniform.

Leonard approached them from the left side. “Isn’t it bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony?”

Jim frowned. “Which one of us is the bride?”

“You figure it out,” Leonard replied with a smirk which earned him a shove from Jim. “The Admiral is ready to perform the ceremony anytime.”

Jim turned to Spock with a smile. “I’m ready.”

“As am I.”

“Who has my kids?” Jim asked Leonard.

“Sarek has Christopher and Uhura has Amanda,” Leonard said.

They had agreed to hold their children during the wedding ceremony. Once the celebration for their Human marriage was concluded, Jim and Spock would be taking a shuttle to New Vulcan for their bonding.

They walked down the corridor to a room where the small marriage ceremony would take place. He and Jim had agreed they didn’t want a fuss, but the room still held about thirty or so people sitting and waiting for them to marry.

Admiral Archer already waited for them at the top of the room, ready to perform the ceremony. Nyota and Father waited just inside the doors and Nyota handed Amanda to Jim and Father placed Christopher in Spock’s arms.

Christopher gave Spock a mostly toothless smile. He had two bottom teeth in the front. Spock nearly smiled back, but recalled his heritage and the current circumstances of the room full of people.

Spock and Jim together with their children walked down the middle of the room to where the admiral waited.

There were no special vows exchanged between them. Spock knew what was in Jim’s heart and Jim knew his. Neither wished their personal lives to be on display for everyone. They had always been compatible in that regard.

Out of the corner of his eye, Spock saw Amanda patting her daddy’s face rather vigorously. Jim kept grabbing her chubby hands, but he was grinning and clearly trying in vain to pay attention to Admiral Archer’s words.

Christopher took that moment to squeeze Spock’s nose. He heard Jim laughing beside him.

“The rings?” Archer asked, not bothering to hide his own amusement.

Jim turned to face Leonard. “Bones?”

Leonard pulled out a box that held both of their rings. He handed one to Jim and one to Spock. Christopher attempted to snatch the ring before Spock could, but Spock was faster than his son.

Jim put his ring on Spock first, his blue eyes shining with such love and humor Spock allowed himself a small smile. After all, he was marrying Jim today.

Amanda stared wide eyed at Spock as he slid the ring on Jim’s finger. Spock stroked a finger across one of her pointed ears. It was illogical to love that the children had his ears, but Spock did.

“I now pronounce you husbands,” Admiral Archer said with a wide smile. “May you live long and prosper.”

Spock leaned over to kiss Jim and Amanda shoved her little fist into his mouth.

Jim chortled like it was the funniest thing ever. Perhaps it was.

****

“Think they’ll be all right?”

“Of course, ashayam. Leonard and Nyota will have them.”

Spock’s father, of course, accompanied them to New Vulcan for their official bonding ceremony.

Jim licked his lips, eyed Sarek, whose eyes were closed, and leaned over to whisper to Spock, “He’s not going to watch, is he?”

“Watch what?” Spock’s brows furrowed.

“The, ah, the claiming.”

“He will not,” Spock replied, amused at Jim’s blush. “Once the bond has been officially formed, everyone else will leave us on the forge to—”

“Have wild Vulcan sex. Yeah, I know.” Jim grinned. “Glad to hear there won’t be witnesses. Not that I’ve never—”

“Do not speak of your past sexual history on my wedding day,” Spock said sharply.

Jim laughed low. “Okay, okay.” He started bouncing his leg.

“Are you nervous, Jim?”

“Nervous? Why would I be nervous? I mean we’re already married and all.” Jim ran his fingers through his hair. “After all bonding ceremonies happen every day, right?”

“They do not.”

“Well, still. And it’s not like we’ve never had wild Vulcan sex. Not on the forge or anything. But, yeah.”

“Jim, it will be well.”

“Of course it will.” Jim licked his lips. “How much longer?”

“Another hour still.” Spock stroked his fingers along Jim’s. “Perhaps you should attempt a short nap.”

“Will I-will I need a nap?” Jim asked, eyes wide.

Spock inclined his head. “Possibly.”

Jim swallowed. “Okay.” He leaned against Spock and closed his eyes.

Spock touched his fingertips to Jim’s temple. “Sleep.”

****

Jim pretty much seemed in a daze through much of the ceremony on New Vulcan, Spock noted. To the point where Spock almost became concerned, but Jim had merely smiled and just said he was overwhelmed with emotion at being about to belong to Spock fully and didn’t want to embarrass Spock with his emotional self.

Even Spock could not deny he wasn’t totally there. He did recall the Priestess intoning the ritualistic words, “What thee are about to see comes down from the time of the beginning, without change. This is the Vulcan heart. This is the Vulcan soul. This is our way.”

Then cool fingers of the Priestess had been on both Spock’s face and Jim’s. Their minds were already joined, they were t’hy’la, and had basically completed the bond amongst themselves when Jim got out of the hospital, but having them connected fully, completely, through the Priestess had been…extraordinary. Spock could not wait for everyone to leave so he could be alone with Jim.

More words were said and then the wedding ceremony and the attendees, Spock’s own father among them, moved off and away leaving only Spock and Jim standing on the forge.

“Everyone gone?”

“Indeed.” Spock grabbed Jim’s biceps, pulling him close.

“I can’t say I’m thrilled about getting sand in all my parts,” Jim said with a grin.

“They laid out a blanket for us,” Spock murmured.

Jim glanced behind him and noticed the large blanket as well as several other items next to it.

“This isn’t going to turn into Pon Farr or anything, is it?” Jim looked back at Spock, licking his lips.

“It is not. The claiming today is really rather a formality,” Spock explained.

“A formality? Sex with me is a formality?”

Spock opened his mouth to protest but then saw the teasing glint in Jim’s eyes. “Yes. In this case. We will only be expected to engage in coitus the one time. Since in reality you and I were bonded before. Normally, this ceremony would not take place until the male Vulcan’s time of Pon Farr.”

“I see. And when will that be for you?”

“I am uncertain. When that occurs my claiming you will not be a formality, but will take place over several days.”

“How many days?” Jim’s tongue traced his lips.

“I am uncertain.”

“All right, so if boinking me is just a formality today, why do we have to do it in the sand, in the heat, and outdoors where anyone could potentially see.”

“It is tradition.”

“So Vulcans are a bunch of peeping toms?”

“I know of no Vulcans named Tom.”

Jim snorted and rolled his eyes. “Oh, you’re hilarious.”

“No one will be watching.”

“Well. It’s not that I’ve never—”

“I do not want to hear about your past sexual exploits on my—”

“Your wedding day. You said that once.” Jim flicked his head toward the blanket. “How about we get to the claiming?”

Since Spock was in complete agreement on that score, he led Jim over to the blanket. Jim was already pulling his shirt off. He then sat on the blanket and removed his boots, before his fingers went to the waistband of his pants.

Once Jim was naked, and Spock always admired how efficient Jim was at getting out of his clothes, Jim shimmied over to the items left next to the blanket.

“What have we got here?”

“Additional lubricant for your comfort, a cooling lotion should your skin become irritated and overheated, and sustenance.”

“How long do they expect us to be out here?”

Spock shrugged as he, now nude, joined Jim on the blanket. “Vulcans do have quick refractory periods.”

Jim smirked. “Are you sure you aren’t in Pon Farr?”

“No Vulcan can claim his mate on the forge in this manner without feeling some sense of…proprietary.”

Jim’s eyes widened, and his pupils became very large. “Pr-proprietary?”

Spock laid Jim underneath him, hovering above him, lips almost touching. “You are mine.”

Tongue came out. “You think?”

Spock leaned down to suck Jim’s tongue into his mouth. Jim moaned. “I know so,” Spock whispered. He was impossibly hard and he could feel Jim’s own arousal against his leg.

With a low growl, Spock spread Jim’s legs and lifted them up, allowing him access to Jim’s hole. When he went to reach for the additional lubricant, Jim stopped him.

“Just want to feel you.”

“Jim, I do not want to hurt you.”

His smile stole Spock’s breath. “You won’t. Not now.”

“Not ever again,” Spock vowed.

“Then do it. Claim me.”

Spock could not hold himself back any longer. He pushed his throbbing, hard member inside Jim. He felt a slight resistance, and then Jim’s muscles loosened, allowing him inside, deep.

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered, hoarsely.

His hand went to Jim’s face, melding them, as he plunged into Jim again and again, leading them both into the madness, the joining, the ecstasy.

Of being…

One.    


	20. Epilogue

From the diary of James T. Kirk

_I’d thought early on that the hardest thing—the hardest part of my life—had been Spock walking away from me. But later I realized, really, the hardest part was taking him back. Forgiving him. Forgiving me. Accepting him back into my life and the life of our children. It hadn’t been an easy decision. He’d hurt me, I’d hurt him. There was love between us, I never really doubted that, but love doesn’t overcome everything, no matter what you hear._

_But I did forgive us both and we moved on from that. We bonded, married, and lived and loved happily with our children. I never regretted it. And neither did Spock._

 

“When is Daddy coming home?” Amanda asked Spock for the tenth time that afternoon.

The twins, Amanda and her brother, Christopher, had recently celebrated their fifth birthday. They were a handful for Spock and his t’hy’la, and everyone else in their life. But a happy handful.

“As I told you last time, any moment.”

“Mandy, you know Sa-mekh detests answering the same question over and over. Don’t you?”

“Detest is a much stronger reaction than I have,” Spock told his son. “I find it illogical.”

Amanda pouted. “He promised me he’d sing with me.”

“Sing?”

“Don’tcha member? He’s going to sing in class with me for the parent-student day. We’re going to sing Beauty and the Beast. You know from the old movie. Mrs. Potts sings it.”

Spock nodded. “I do recall. I was unaware you were still rehearsing.”

“Gotta be perfect,” she replied.

“I have no doubt it will be.” Spock could hear Jim coming up the pathway to their home. They’d purchased a suburban house when the twins had turned three, deciding they’d all outgrown their apartment.

“There’s Daddy now,” Christopher announced.

The door opened and in walked Jim, wearing his professor uniform. He’d talked about giving up teaching at the academy but he hadn’t done it yet.

The children rushed him and he smiled but Spock could tell from where he stood that Jim was unwell. He suffered from a number of headaches years after the parasite had been removed. It had been decided it was the after effects of having an alien presence occupying his mind for too long. It was not a satisfactory response as far as Spock was concerned because Jim had been told he would have to live with the headaches.

“Amanda, Christopher, let your daddy breathe,” Spock admonished, coming forward to touch Jim’s face. “You are feverish.”

“No, I—”

“Get the momitor,” Amanda told Christopher.

“Thermometer,” Christopher corrected, but he ran off to do just that.

“I really don’t need that,” Jim protested as Amanda grabbed his hand and began to pull him toward the living room.

“Sit down, Daddy.”

Jim sat in the easy chair, and Spock perched himself on the arm of the chair as Christopher ran back holding a thermometer.

“Open wide,” their son said.

Jim wrinkled his nose, but he did. The thermometer was shoved into his mouth and a moment later it beeped. Spock himself removed it.

“101,” Spock announced to gasps from all three. “You are going to bed.”

“I have been coughing and sniffling most of the day,” Jim said reluctantly. He fluttered his fingers toward his head. “Headache.”

“You likely have contracted the flu from one of your students.”

“We should replicate you chicken soup,” Amanda said, climbing up to sit on Jim.

“”I’m really not hungry. Maybe you shouldn’t get so close, sweetpea.”

“”You need comforting,” she returned. She put her small hand on his face. “You’re very warm, Daddy.”

Christopher’s brows were furrowed. “We need to bring your temperature down.”

“Thank you, Dr. Kirk,” Jim said with some amusement. “Amanda and I are supposed to sing.”

“That’s right.” She nodded vigorously.

“Amanda.”

She sighed. “Sa-mekh is right. We can sing later.”

Spock patted her head. “Let’s let Daddy up so we can put him to bed.”

Their daughter scrambled off him and then as Jim rose, he had his Vulcan husband, and two part Vulcan children, grabbing him and tugging him toward bed. Jim started to protest but then he had a coughing fit and gave up.

“I am going to change Daddy out of his uniform,” Spock told the children. “I’ll call you back in when I am finished.”

They pouted a little, but they were good children, who listened to Spock, actually, more than Jim, though they adored their daddy, as did their Sa-mekh.

“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered, as Spock took Jim’s shoes off.

“For what do you apologize?”

“That you have to deal with all this. With me.”

“You are sick, ashayam. That is what husbands and bondmates do.” Spock undid Jim’s jacket and removed it, as well as his undershirt.

“You never get sick.”

“Yes, I am fortunate in that,” Spock agreed. He gently pushed Jim to lay on his back as he unfastened his pants and pulled them down and off Jim’s legs.

Spock went to their dresser and took out cotton pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. After he slid Jim’s briefs off, he then dressed Jim in the pajama bottoms and T-shirt.

“I could have done that,” Jim protested weakly.

“I do not mind.” He got Jim to lie in the bed under the covers. “Are you nauseated?”

“No. Just achy all over.”

Spock went to another drawer and withdrew a hypo. “This should alleviate the headache and fever.”

Jim didn’t even wince at the hiss of the shot as it went into his upper shoulder. Spock kissed his forehead.

“Children, you may come in.”

The door opened and they came hurrying over to the bed.

“Gently, please,” Spock said.

“I’m sorry you’re sick, Daddy,” Christopher whispered. “Should we call Uncle Bones?”

“Nah, I’ll feel better soon,” Jim replied with a tired smile.

“All right, say goodnight, and then we will leave Daddy to rest.”

“Night, Daddy,” Amanda said, kissing his cheek.

“Goodnight, sweetpea.”

“Goodnight, Daddy.”

“Goodnight, Chris.”

Spock escorted the children out of the bedroom and closed the door.

“Can we get pizza for dinner?” Christopher asked. “Since Daddy isn’t eating.”

“No, we cannot.”

“We never get pizza,” the boy protested.

“That is quite untrue, you had it last Saturday.”

“Well. We don’t get it very much.” Christopher eyed Spock. “What are we having then, Sa-mekh?”

“Roasted Plomeek and—”

“Oh, come on!”

“I will consider making pancakes.” He turned to Amanda. “Do you wish for me to sing Beauty and the Beast with you?”

Amanda stared at him. “You?”

“Yes, me. Not for the program. Just so you can rehearse.”

“Sa-mekh, you cannot sing.”

“I am capable of—”

She shook her head. “I’ll just wait for Daddy.”

Spock tried not to be affronted. “Very well.”

Amanda licked her lips in a very excellent imitation of her Daddy. “Will you read to us, Sa-mekh?”

“Please?” Christopher added.

Spock led them into the living room, a hand on each. “What shall I read?”

“The Book of Surak’s Teachings,” Christopher said eagerly.

“Again?” Spock asked, raising his brow.

“Yes!”

He picked up the large book of ancient text and sat on the couch. The twins curled up on either side of him.

“And tell us what Vulcan was like,” Amanda said.

“Real Vulcan,” Christopher added.

For a moment, Spock found himself overcome with emotions. That his children would never know his home planet, well, that was something Spock could not help but mourn. But Spock…he knew his children. And for that, he could feel nothing but gratitude. And love. Immense love for them and for his t’hy’la who brought them into this world and allowed Spock to be a part of them. And them of him.

“Very well. Vulcan had a considerably thinner atmosphere and higher temperatures than Earth. I came from a city called ShiKahr.”

“And you had a sehlat.”

“Named I-Chaya.”

Spock allowed himself a small smile as the children snuggled closer. “Yes. I did.”


End file.
